A Discussion with Sadness
As background, I restarted therapy just before Christmas due to some long-standing family challenges that have been exacerbated over the past year and a half. This therapist has encouraged the use of the Internal Family System’s (IFS) model being the focus of therapy. Which, for those that are unfamiliar with this model, it reminds me so much of the movie Inside Out in some capacity. The idea is that at the core we have the “Self” which is considered the center of the person and acts as the active compassionate leader. It is composed of the 8 C’s — calmness, curiosity, compassion, connectedness, confidence, creativity, courage, and clarity. Around the core we have the “Managers”, “Exiles”, and “Firefighters”.
The managers are the protectors of the system, they typically are the ones attempting to keep the person in control of every situation and relationship in order to protect them from feeling hurt or rejected. The managers can consist of the controller, stiver, judge, planner, self-critical, passive pessimist, and caretaker.
The exiles are the ones who hold painful emotions that have been isolated from this conscious self to protect the system. The exiles can sometimes become increasingly extreme in an effort to be cared for. Exiles can consist of rage, dependency, shame, fear, sadness/grief, and loneliness.
The firefighters are also the protectors of the system but act after exiles to either soothe them or distract from the exiles. They can consist of addictions, binge eating, dissociation, distraction, obsession, compulsion, fantasy, suicidality, self-harm, and violence. They can be driven or immersed in sleep, shopping, work, sex, diet, exercise, and or computer/phone/video game use.
In my last therapy session, we discussed having a discussion with a part. A part being within the manager, exile, and firefighter. I had a difficult time doing this during the session because at the time of my session I was actually feeling fairly calm, clear and collected. However, the day after therapy, I was feeling extremely heavy, sad, and filled with a lot of grief. After much reflection, sadness was actually the feeling that I have felt most often the past year and a half. So, I pulled out my journal and had a discussion with a part which I called sadness. This is part I of a three part series. This is what I wrote:
Part I: A Discussion with Sadness
Sadness, I think its time we discussed this long-standing attachment you’ve had with me. You’ve been by my side a lot the past year and a half and it’s made it challenging to let other people close. I think it is time we sat down and talked this out.
I know you are here because of the grief you’ve experienced this past year and a half, since the passing of your grandfather. I know you are here because of the heaviness you feel for my mom having lost her dad and not been able to spend the time she wanted to have with him because she was prevented by her abusive husband. I know you are sad for the dysfunctional family that you have. I know you are sad for your father and the misery and anger that engulfs him which causes him to attempt to bring others down with him. I know you are sad for the father that you have lost, but never truly had. I know you are sad for your mom who missed out on a lot of years of living due to being controlled and abused by her husband…. your father. I know you are sad that your father did the best he knew how to do as a father, but caused a deep scar that you have been actively trying to work through. I know you are sad you can’t visit your grandparents during a time where their health continues to deteriorate. I know you are sad for the people and opportunities lost due to COVID-19. I know you are sad for the mental health of the world and scared for the future of what the world may look like after all of this. I know you are sad for the trips you missed out on this year, the year you were considering as the “year of travel” cancelling trips to Japan, Portugal, Vancouver, and Florida. And I know other parts continue to try and interrupt our conversation, I hear guilt whispering. I hear guilt whispering that you can’t be sad about trips when others are suffering from the loss of much more. But sadness has the floor right now. I know you are sad for the friends and family you haven’t been able to see due to the pandemic. I know you are sad for the people who are suffering during this time and the injustices and hate that has been… sadly always present, but now has been magnified in the world. I know you are sad that you are not able to fully be present with the people you love and care about the most, due to us spending so much time together. You are valid and I hear you, sadness. Loud and clear. But I need some space. I need to let other people in. I need some room for Joy. I need some room for the people who have loved me through this period where you have been so attached to me. I need to let Joy in, I know you will always come and go, but I think it’s time we take a break.
- P. ❤
